Willie in The White House
I stopped by a gas station outside of Austin for fuel and a bag of Red Man. Pleasantly surprised by the lower cost of gasoline, I was taken aback when the chewing tobacco rang up to fourteen dollars. I don’t chew often; in fact, now that I think about it, the last bag I bought was in San Francisco in early 2021, for eight bucks. I remember because I played the Ocean Course at Half Moon Bay in blue jeans and sneakers, and no one cared. If I pulled that stunt in Atlanta, I’d be blacklisted from every course I play.
As I was checking out, there was a hat hanging next to the register that said: Don’t Blame Me, I Voted for Willie — in red, white, and blue, sandwiched between Willie’s ponytails. I bought it. I had to. And if the cost of the tobacco wasn’t jarring enough, the cost of the hat was shocking in the opposite way — thirteen dollars. Nothing was adding up economically.
I left with a full tank, a bag of overpriced chew, and the only affordable thing I’ve bought in the last five years. I proceeded to spend the day driving west through Texas Hill Country.
As I meandered through the hills with a giant plug in my cheek, I got to thinking: what would it be like to have Willie Nelson in the White House? It’s as absurd as it is amusing — a musician in the Oval Office.
I chewed on the thought — and the black leaf — while listening to country music. Now that I’m back from three weeks in Austin, I was feeling a bit worn out, so I made like a sloth and bailed on everything — just me and my movies. Criterion Channel, to be exact.
I started off with a cheeky documentary on William Burroughs. If you’re into the Beats, you’d dig it. And if not, I’m sure it would bore you to death. I got a kick out of it. And at thirty minutes, it was a short walk in the cinematic park.
Afterward, I watched Night and Fog — a 1956 French documentary on Nazi concentration camps. I have NEVER seen anything like it, and I’m inclined to say I hope I never will again, but that would be cowardly. This film will tear you apart like nothing ever has — and it’s only thirty minutes long. WARNING: It is extremely graphic. No matter how many WWII documentaries you’ve seen, you have NEVER seen what is in this film.
I needed something light after Night and Fog, so I watched another thirty-minute Les Blank doc on Dizzy Gillespie that was fabulous. In addition to being brilliant, Dizzy seems like a gentle soul; Blank did a spectacular job of capturing that in the most unusual of ways.
Intrigued by Blank’s portrayal of Dizzy, I did what I always do: found a rabbit hole and dove in headfirst. I read about Dizzy’s childhood in South Carolina, his playing days with Charlie Parker, and his involvement with Afro-Cuban jazz — of which his song Manteca has been a favorite of mine for years. I’ve even written about it, but good luck finding it — I hid it (in broad daylight).
As I fell further into the hole, I found something about Dizzy that brought me immense joy, and in a curious twist of fate, answered my question about having a musician in the White House.
In the 1964 Presidential Election, Dizzy put himself on the ballot as an independent. And if elected, he’d change the name of the White House to the Blues House, and his cabinet would be the following:
Secretary of State – Duke Ellington
Secretary of Agriculture – Louis Armstrong
Secretary of Peace – Charles Mingus
Secretary of Defense – Max Roach
Director of the CIA – Miles Davis
Librarian of Congress – Ray Charles
Traveling Ambassador – Thelonious Monk
Ambassador to the Vatican – Mary Lou Williams
Attorney General – Malcolm X
Vice President – Phyllis Diller
So, yeah… sort of answers the question, doesn’t it? He sure as hell wasn’t going to fill his cabinet with the usual gang from New Haven and Cambridge.
Now, if I had to guess, Willie’s cabinet would look like this:
Secretary of State – Johnny Cash. The Man in Black would be “The Man” in Government.
Secretary of Agriculture – Merle Haggard. He comes from a farming family and was born in a boxcar. Fits the bill.
Secretary of Peace – Julio Iglesias. This just feels right, and I’m not sure why. Pure gut.
Secretary of Defense – Waylon Jennings. He’s a badass; SOD is a badass role. It fits.
Director of the CIA – Toby Keith. Willie and Toby were BIG into justice in their duet, Beer for My Horses.
Librarian of Congress – Ray Charles. If he was good enough for Dizzy, he’s good enough for Willie.
Traveling Ambassador – Bobbie Nelson. His sister was by his side his entire life; just seems right that she'd have this role.
Ambassador to the Vatican – Kris Kristofferson. He’s tight with the Almighty.
Attorney General – Wynton Marsalis. The AG is a role for a highly educated person, and Wynton is just that.
Vice President – Dolly Parton. Dizzy had a badass woman as his VP — so should Willie.
I hope the next filling station I walk into sells hats and cheaper tobacco, because this one had the ingredients for a fun story. Of course, this cabinet is pure fantasy — only Dolly, Wynton, and Julio are still with us. But man, wouldn’t it be something to give this crazy idea a try?
*Composed, Edited, and Published in Atlanta, GA
