Humiliation
I was broke
No gasoline.
I went to work for a wealthy couple – odds jobs – cash – one day
I picked up two Mexicans from a gas station earlier in the day, day laborers, per their request
Armando, age 66
Maximus, age 43
Both were pleasant, hard working, had a sense of humor
The three of us filled a U-Haul
Six Christmas trees, some twelve feet tall
Six life size Santas
An eight foot tall teddy bear, full of sparkling lights
We brought down dozens of plastic containers full of Christmas decorations from the attic
Thousands of dollars worth
Armando and Maximus were shocked
Conspicuous consumption run a muck
The two of them took photos of one another to show their friends how they spent the day
I asked them what kind of work they usually do
Demolition and painting
Spending the day decorating a mansion was not the norm
We worked hard
Climbed up rickey ladders into oak trees
Hung life size Santa Clauses in their manicured backyard
because their youngest daughter wanted their mansion decorated
Meanwhile my daughter lives without me, in someone else’s house
My back ached
Fingers cut
Shoulders sore from lifting – feeling my age
but the three of us enjoyed each others company
They taught me the days of the week and months of the year in Spanish
We laughed a lot
Maximus spoke enough English
Armando very little
I enjoyed getting to know them
Maximus was married, Armando divorced
When the day was over they got paid in cash, I drove them back to the gas station
We laughed on the drive
When the day was over I wasn’t paid
I was out of gas – not enough to drive home
I asked when I’d get paid, I was told tomorrow
I was angry
I was humiliated
I was lost in a storm of resentment
At myself for being a failure in life
For being broke, again
For being less than
For not having my daughter
For not giving her a house
Stuck waist deep in envy amongst expensive candles and Range Rovers
At the rich people for having no empathy
As if I didn’t need the money then and there
As if I could wait until they got around to it
As if I don’t desperately need it
To pay for gas
To not feel like a failure, even for just a day
But I had to ask to be paid, and the humiliation was more than I could bare
I would never do that to someone
I wouldn’t be so laisse fare, so aloof
It disgusts me
I would never make someone feel less than, even by accident
I would never humiliate someone
I am lost, and I am angry, and I’m running out of hope
I am broke
I still haven’t been paid
And no one cares
Alone…
Where is my baby girl?
I don’t know how much more I can take
Darkness
Anger
Self-Hatred
Hopeless
What’s Going On
Mercy, Mercy, Me
Where did all the blue skies go
Things ain’t what they used to be
I want to cry
I want vengeance
I want justice
I want to be equal
I want my daughter
I want peace
I want rest
I want this to be over
